Step Away from the Microwave and No One Gets Hurt!
by Forty Names None the Same
Summary: Arwen's pregnant with her and Aragorn's first child. What happens when the fellowship and friends are invited to the baby shower? Based on a true story. Rated PG-13 for language in later chapters. Not suitable for little ears! ^_^
1. A Truly Blessed Event

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Step Away from the Microwave and No One Gets Hurt!!

By Elhwesta

This is based on a true story straight from the teachers' lounge. Thanks to Mr. C, my 

economics teacher for entrusting myself and my class with this story. And yes, there are 

going to be some major technological discrepancies in late chapters, but you lose the great 

humor of the incident otherwise.

Disclaimer: In a perfect world, I would own LOTR, but I don't, so there. :P~~

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Chapter 1: Reactions

It was great news. Word was already spreading all across Middle Earth. Arwen Evenstar, 

wife of King Elessar and Queen of Gondor, was pregnant with their first child. (A/N: And 

by the time this story is done, you'll understand why it was their ONLY child. ^_^) 

Excitement grew as word reached Mirkwood, Rivendell and the Shire. The Former 

members of the Fellowship were delighted to hear the news. 

"That's absolutely wonderful!!" exclaimed Sam. "I'm so happy for them!" Sam, 

Merry, and Pippin were all hanging around Bag End sipping tea with Frodo when the news 

reached them. 

"As am I, Sam. It truly is wonderful news," Frodo said with a beaming smile. 

"Strider a father. I never thought I'd see the day!!" mused Merry as he blew a 

couple of well-defined smoke rings.

"I think, for everyone's sake, Srtider better clean up a little before the child's born. 

He'll scare it to death otherwise," Pippin commented as he frowned slightly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"That's wonderful!!" Legolas said with a bright wide smile. The Prince of 

Mirkwood, with his inseparable friend Gimli by his side, received the news from Haldir of 

Lorien, who came by to deliver the news. 

"Indeed it is! I'm sure they will produce a fine heir to the throne of Gondor!"

"Well, of course!! Being even remotely related to the Lady of the Wood will do 

that to you. It's like a five-star guarantee!" Gimli declared, earning a rather peculiar look 

from both Haldir and Legolas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elrond, Lord of Imladris, slumped into his big, fluffy chair, and sighed as if his soul had 

just been expelled from his body. Gandalf the White observed him with a sympathetic 

look. 

"I take it you're not too pleased with this."

"Huh, what?" Elrond, who had been staring vacantly at the intricate designs on the 

carpet, was stirred from his reverie. "Oh no, it's not that, I'm more than happy for them, 

it's just I didn't expect to become a grandfather under these kinds of circumstances."

"I see, it serves as a reminder, doesn't it? That Arwen is mortal," Gandalf stated, 

reading the expression on his friend's face with ease. 

Elrond stood up and walked to the window. The sun shone brilliantly outside, 

illuminating the trees and gardens in the courtyard below. The sky had never looked bluer. 

As Elrond looked down in the courtyard, he could see several young elflings at play. Some 

of the boys were trying out their newly learned sword-fighting skills against each other with 

wooden practice swords, while others kicked around a small wooden ball, all the while 

yelling and laughing in a perfectly stereotypical image of life in the Last Homely House. 

Elrond sighed again. "It still grieves me that Celebrian will never be able to look upon her 

daughter as a full grown adult. But it is obvious to me now that nothing could have been 

done to change that which the fates decided. There's nothing left for me to do but give 

them my blessings."

"That's all a parent should be expected to do," Gandalf cut him off while handing 

him a cup of freshly brewed tea.

"And hope to the Valar the child looks more like his mother," Elrond muttered, 

finishing his last thought before taking a sip of tea.

(A/N: This chapter is more or less just a quick plot base set-up. The next chapter is where 

the insanity ensues. *grins like the Cheshire Cat*


	2. Keep Staring At It Elrond, It Might Do A...

The following months passed like an arrow from a Lorien bow. About 8 months  
  
after the announcement of Arwen's pregnancy, several invitations arrived at the dwellings of  
  
the Fellowship and Co.  
  
"Mr. Frodo, did you get one of these too?!" Sam burst through the door of Bag  
  
End, ignoring the unspoken rule of knocking first.  
  
"The courier just dropped it off!" Frodo came running to the door with a wine red  
  
scroll, trimmed with gold and a silver and black ribbon in his hands.  
  
"What do you suppose it is?" Sam asked as he delicately fingered the bow like it  
  
was a piece of fragile crystal.  
  
"What, you haven't opened it yet?" Frodo asked Sam with a slightly surprised  
  
look.  
  
"No, have you?"  
  
"Well, no, but."  
  
At that moment, the ground started to vibrate beneath their feet. The shaking rapidly  
  
got stronger and stronger until Bag End's front door was blown off its hinges and Merry  
  
and Pippin skidded into the room.  
  
"DID YOU GUYS GET THESE TOO?!?" Pippin yelled while trying to recover  
  
from having just simulated a small earthquake.  
  
"Yes, Pippin, take a breath before you pass out on the floor," Frodo answered very  
  
icily. It was bad enough that Sam had busted in without knocking, but at the very least  
  
Frodo was NOT thrilled about having his front door at the wrong end of the hallway.  
  
"Sorry Frodo," Merry panted, "but the ribbon, it's Gondor's colors!!"  
  
Frodo looked at the scroll in his hands. "You're right, it must be from Aragorn.  
  
Do you think something's happened?"  
  
"There's only one way to find out," Sam motioned for the others to gather round.  
  
"OK, everybody open his scroll on three. Ready? One, two."  
  
"Wait, wait!! Is that the one after two?" Merry, Sam, and Frodo froze.  
  
".o.O.Yes, Pippin."  
  
"Oh, OK, just checking."  
  
Merry rolled his eyes. "Let's try this again. Ready? One, two."  
  
"Hold it!! Do you mean ON three, or directly AFTER three?"  
  
"Enough Pippin!!!" The others snapped at him.  
  
Frodo let out an exasperated sigh. "Oh, who cares?! Onetwothree!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Your highness, a message for you, sir!"  
  
"WAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAAA!!!!!" *Thud*  
  
Legolas and Gimli had been sitting up in a tree with a pair of binoculars, innocently  
  
pointed in the general direction of the Ladies' bathing area, when Mr. Random-Elf-Chosen-  
  
to-be-Messenger decided to scare the bejeezus out of them. They both fell headfirst into an  
  
ungraceful heap at the bottom of the tree. This prompted a very weirded out look from Mr.  
  
Random Elf. Legolas, still upside-down on his upper back, hips and legs propped up  
  
against the tree, gave Mr. Random Elf a nervous smile and held out his hand.  
  
"Thanks, uh. Mr. I'm-Not-Important-Enough-to-be-Remembered!"  
  
"Close enough" Mr. Random Elf handed Legolas the scroll and left him to pick  
  
himself up off the ground. "There's one for you as well, Master Gimli. Master Gimli?"  
  
The fall from the tree left Gimmeister's face implanted about 6 inches into the ground.  
  
"Um."  
  
Legolas managed to pick himself up, dusting off his tunic, while trying to hide that  
  
he was a bit perturbed about having his little "party" crashed. *Of course, though,* he  
  
told himself, *it really wasn't MY party as I could see that sort of thing whenever I want to.  
  
I'm like the Elven James Bond, women just flock to me! enter cheesy smile here Gimli  
  
on the other hand.*  
  
"You OK now, sir?"  
  
"What, oh, yeah. Just leave it with me. I'll give it to him after I pry him out of the  
  
ground with a spade."  
  
"Okey Dokey Dr. Jones!!" Mr. Random Elf squeaked in a very chirpy, sugary  
  
voice before handing him the second scroll and taking off. Legolas just stood and stared  
  
after him as a few million synapses in his brain shut down as a result of Post-Traumatic  
  
Stress Symdrome. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Elrond paled slightly as he held the wine red scroll in his hands. He turned it over  
  
several times, as if trying to decide whether or not to open it. He was so preoccupied with it  
  
that he did not hear a soft knock at the door, which eventually turned into a loud bang and a  
  
voice on the other side yelling,  
  
"Elrond, I know you're in there!!! Open this door before I open it  
  
PERMENTANTLY!!!"  
  
Elrond casually shuffled to the door and opened it. Gandalf was standing on the  
  
other side, sporting a camera, and a death glare that could have frozen the Balrog for  
  
eternity. Elrond, however, was unfazed by this.  
  
"Is it that hard for you to turn the doorknob by yourself?"  
  
"Look, unlike you, there are SOME of us in this world that are plagued with  
  
Arthritis!!"  
  
"Ah, I see. I'm guessing you got one of these as well?" Elrond held up the scroll.  
  
"Yes I did. I've already read mine, but I thought I'd come and watch you open  
  
yours. I have a feeling this is going to be quite the Kodak moment." Gandalf held up his  
  
camera and took off the lens cap.  
  
".Why do I get the feeling that I don't want to open it at all?" Elrond nervously  
  
glanced at Gandalf, who had his finger in the button, ready at a moment's notice. Sighing,  
  
Elrond fiddled with the bow a little, swallowed hard, and opened the scroll.  
  
To my Dearest Father-In-Law (or Rather My ONLY Father-In-Law)  
  
You are cordially invited to Arwen's Baby Shower, a celebration for Arwen in anticipation  
  
for the coming child. The festivities will take place at the Royal Palace in the City of  
  
Gondor on Midsummer's Eve. Unless the postal service screwed up AGAIN, that should  
  
give you about a month to get here. Arwen would greatly appreciate it if you could attend  
  
(this should be read as DEMANDING that you attend).We look forward to seeing you on  
  
Midsummer's Eve.  
  
Elessar, King of Gondor, Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Isildur's Heir, the Elfstone, Strider,  
  
Estel, Your Favoritest Foster Son, etc.  
  
P.S. PLE~ASE try to make it!!! Arwen's putting a lot inot this and she's made it my  
  
responsibility, for Elbereth knows what reason, to make sure that you come to the party, so  
  
there'll be hell to pay for BOTH of us if you don't. Trust me, you've yet to see the mood  
  
swings pregnancy has brought upon your daughter.  
  
The shutter on Gandalf's camera clicked as Elrond blanched white as the snows of  
  
Caradhras. The invitatoin fell silently from Elrond's hands and onto the floor. Gandalf  
  
picked it up and skimmed over it quickly.  
  
"Well, that sounds like an order from on high to me. You're going aren't  
  
you?.Elrond?"  
  
Gandalf waved his hand in front of Elrond's unmoving eyes. No response He then  
  
gave him a tiny nudge, making the Lord of Rivendell's frozen form fall backwards onto the  
  
tile floor with an echoing thud.  
  
(A/N: Well, what do we think so far? Next chapter's R.S.V.P.'s!! ^_^) 


	3. You've Got Mail! Is That a Good Thing or...

Dear Aragorn,  
  
Merry, Pippin, Sam, and I will most certainly be there. We wouldn't miss it for the  
  
world!! Sam and I will most likely arrive a few days before Merry and Pippin as I am  
  
demanding they make repairs to Bag End as a result of their little mini- earthquake. Don't  
  
ask. Oh, do you think you'll need food? We'll bring along a few wagons just in case,  
  
along with a big bag of Old Tovey. ^_^ Oh, we'll also bring the muSHROOMS you  
  
wanted. See you soon!  
  
Frodo, Son of Drogo, Technical Destroyer of the One Ring, Lord and Master over Bag End  
  
and the Life of Samwise Gamgee ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
To My Old Friend Aragorn,  
  
You can expect to see Gimli and I at the shower! We're looking forward to it. But  
  
we have a few questions. 1) How different is this from your bachelor party? 2) Gimli  
  
wants to know if you need any dwarvish liquor. Good stuff I might add. And 3) the  
  
women's bathing areas are on the south side right? Do you think you could hook us up  
  
with rooms on that side? We'll see you soon.  
  
Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, Single Most Sexy Elven Archer on Arda, Official  
  
Spokesperson for Herbal Essences, 100% Absitively Posolutely STRAIGHT  
  
(Contrary to What Seems to Be Popular Belief)  
  
P.S. Do you still have that nifty pair of high-powered binoculars, or do we have to bring our  
  
own?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
To My Favorite Foster Son (Please Note the Sarcasm)  
  
I will be in attendance on Midsummer's Eve, so you can stop losing sleep over it. I  
  
will be arriving with Gandalf. He's looking forward to it (at least one of us is). We will see  
  
you in about a month.  
  
Elrond Peredhil, Lord of Imladris, Herald of Gil-Galad, I'm Better Than the King of  
  
Gondor, I've Got More Titles Than Him Too, Winner of Most Fascinating  
  
Eyebrows of the Millennium Contest, Father of the Most Beautiful Being to Grace  
  
Middle Earth Since Luthien, Very Irate Father-in-Law, etc., etc.  
  
P.S. I highly doubt Arwen's mood swings could be any worse than her mother's were.  
  
P.P.S. I guess Bilbo's coming with us as well. But I'll warn you, old age has taken its toll  
  
on him, so don't be surprised if he does something stupid.  
  
  
  
(A/N: Sorry this chapter's so short. I've been bogged down by college apps and haven't  
  
had much time to exercise my insanity. ^_^ I'll try to update more often.) 


	4. Aragorn Under Attack

A/N: 'Oly mudder of Smurfs and tomatoes!!! I beg forgiveness for not updating for a lo~ng (stretches arms out to show) time. Now that high school is over, hopefully it'll be easier to update with a degree of regularity (not that kind of regularity!!)  
  
For the next month, the whole palace of Gondor was bustling about trying to get ready for the party. Fine wines were brought in from Mirkwood, silk tablecloths were woven especially for the event, and to be auctioned off later for the Pipeweed-Induced Comatose Hobbits Charity Foundation. The best quality foods were brought in from all over Middle Earth, and the storage houses were packed. Arwen wanted to make sure everything was perfect. Seeing as how the palace chefs had their work cut out for them, the author magically supplied them with nine microwaves as they will become essential to the plot later on. Aragorn was getting really strung out between ruling his kingdom and helping out his now-very-pregnant wife plan the party.  
  
"My lord, what vintage would you like, the 1296 or the 1402?" "My lord, where would you like the guest rooms, east or west wing?" "My lord, should I let Prince Legolas know that this is a BYOB event? (Bring Your Own Binoculars) "My lord." "My lord." "My lord."  
  
This continued for about 4 weeks. Aragorn swore that if he ever heard the words "My lord" again, he would institute a new religion where it would become inappropriate to call him that (King Henry VIII he's not.). The dark circles under Aragorn's eyes were becoming more pronounced by the day. He was constantly falling asleep while his advisors droned on and on about affairs of the state, unimportant things like that, and he was getting very moody for he had drained his entire supply of Pipeweed the week before. Of course, all account of this had been wiped out of the lorebooks, because who wants to hear about Elessar Telcontar, the Chain-Smoking King of Gondor? Seriously.  
  
"Legolas better get here quick with that dwarvish ale, or Valar help me, I'll die before this is over." Aragorn sighed and slumped into his throne.  
  
"Your highness!" Another nameless lackey approached him.  
  
'You are SO lucky,' Aragorn thought with an evil glare towards No Name Runner Boy. "The queen would like your opinion on a theme for the party."  
  
".Wha?" Aragorn's expression changed from shooting daggers to a look of "Where the hell did this come from?"  
  
"Yes, the queen says she's narrowed it down to two options, but she needs your opinion to make a decision."  
  
".What are my choices?" Aragorn shifted in his chair, suddenly looking very uncomfortable.  
  
"Well, there's the Lorien Disco idea, or the Shire Rave."  
  
Aragorn stared dumbfounded for a moment until the wheels started to turn. 'Wait a minute, Party in the Shire=fun, Rave=weed, alcohol, and hallucinogenics,"  
  
"Why did Arwen pick Shire Rave?"  
  
"She said that the Shire seemed like such a calm, happy place that it might be a nice theme for the party."  
  
'Of course it's a happy place,' thought Aragorn. 'Everyone's so drugged up on pipeweed, how could they be anything but happy?' "Does Arwen know what a rave is?"  
  
"I don't believe so, Majesty."  
  
'Second time you're lucky.' "Do you?"  
  
"No sir."  
  
'At least the kid has some creativity,' thought Aragorn. "Tell Arwen I would go with the Shire Rave," Aragorn said, smiling his first genuine smile in a long time.  
  
"Very well my lord."  
  
"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" For the next two days, the King of Gondor sat in back corner of his chambers, rocking back and forth in a catatonic state. The general consensus was that he was just excited for the party.  
  
A/N: I hope this chapter tickles everyone's funny bones. It was particularly enjoyable for me to write. Please R&R!! Everybody has been great about reviewing!! I would ask for your good graces once again!! Danke! Merci! Gracias! Arigatou! Hannon Le! Taing! Tak! Ringraziato! Agradecimento! Asante! 


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